You would think I would be upset, but I’m not. It’s been a long time coming to be honest. Little by little, days of not talking to her, turned into weeks, that turned into months, and well, that pretty much explains it. I think that’s why it doesn’t bother me.
I just couldn’t take it anymore. The word bestfriend means a lot to me and I expect a lot, because I put in a lot of effort into it. I grew up not having family I could turn to, and a lot of people don’t understand that. You might have that luxury, but I’ve had to replace family with friends. I would do ANYTHING for the people I love and go out of my way to make sure they’re okay, but I started to feel like I was the only one making the effort.
It makes me kind of sad, but not in the way you would think. It makes me sad because this made me realize that no matter how close you think you are to someone, one day they might not be there anymore.
People always wonder why I don’t let them in or let them really get to know me, and this is why. Why waste my stories or problems for people who are eventually going to leave. I get tired of telling people my story and why I am the way I am.
My thoughts on going out/relationship Pros and Cons.
I can go where I want, when I want, without asking or seeking approval from NOBODY. If my friends call me at 10pm to go out to a club or a bar, I can just go. I love going out and meeting people. I thrive on it. I have an option to be Promiscuous IF I want. Am I a slut? No. Do girls think I am? Yes. I don’t know how that shit works, but alright. I haven’t been trying to do “that” this year though. If I meet a girl, it’s purely for friendship. Depending. And by that I mean, the moon aligned with pluto, and somehow the galaxy is at a perfect tilt where spontaneous met luck, and had a baby named serendipity, and we happened to meet during an eclipse, then yeah, it’s different, but it’s rare.
Another thing, you girls are super confusing when it comes to having a conversation though. You girls get mad and are like, “Umm.. There’s a difference between flirting and being nice.” Well, fuck. SORRY. I’m buzzed. I’m not here to solve a Rubik’s cube. I just want to talk. Besides, you know how fine that line is? Shit… I get it, some girls do get hit on a lot, how are they supposed to know the difference. So, ladies I understand. I just like going to the club or bar and meeting someone new and having a random conversation. If it’s a great conversation, and I ask for your number, it’s for friendship. Let’s chill, hang out, talk. I don’t even know you. For all I know you’re bipolar and like to key cars. Have fun. I don’t know why some girls go to the club with an attitude or block guys from talking to their friends. Having a good conversation, and bam.. Here you come. You act like we were going to fuck at the club.. The moon didn’t even line up with Pluto. Relax! But it’s cool. I get it. We’re both confusing. I just tend to not give a shit. We leave friends, cool. We leave never talking again, cool. Still had fun.
Going out is cool, but sometimes I just want to chill, watch a movie, and maybe eat a whole box of pizza with someone. It’s nice, but damn finding someone to do that with.. I’m better off solving the Rubik’s cube at the club, buzzed.
Not having someone always being there for you. Someone that cares about you.
I used to love letting someone know I love them. Kisses on the forehead. Big hugs. Telling them, “I love you. No, seriously. I love you… No.. No.. Seriously… I’m just kidding. But seriously.. I love you”.
Not having someone there to hear how your day went. Man, sometimes that’s what sucks the most. You know, someone who genuinely cares and wanted to know how your day went. If you’re frustrated, cuddle you. If you had a good day or something good happened, cuddle you and say, “Good for you.”
Not being able to fall asleep with someone you care about and waking up next to them happy to see them. Feeling lucky.
Not having someone to encourage you to be better. I know.. “You should want to be better anyways.” I’m not talking about that. If you’ve ever been in a real relationship, you know what I’m talking about. That, I want to be the best for that person and become better because I know its what’s best for me, kind of encouragement.
Not having meaningful sex. That I’m in the zone, and I fucking love you sex. Sex is good, but when it’s with someone you REALLY care about.. Man… It sits at the number 1 spot of the feelings list. It’s like that whole pluto, planets align, galaxy at full tilt kind of thing. Damn I miss that..
Finally, and most importantly, Love. Not having that I love you more than I love myself kind of feeling. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’ve only felt this once for a long period of time, but it’s a burst of tingling that starts in your chest and spreads through your entire body. I can’t describe it… But I miss that feeling. That’s how I KNOW. If you give me that feeling over a long period of time (months).. I know. It’s only happened once though…
I like both, and I know I always say I like being single more than being in a relationship, but after this list.. Relationship, but not just any relationship though. I’m talking about.. You know what I’m talking about. But I’ve gone too long being single, and I’m not sure if I can ever go down that route again. I’m used to be alone, NOT lonely. I hate people that get those two mixed up. I know what I like, and that might be the reason why I may be forever single, living my life for the weekends meeting strangers. Who knows.. Til then, I live for the nights I can or can’t remember.
I used to get that feeling that I was destined to do something great..
But I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not destined to do “something” great. Maybe my something great is just getting to a place where I never thought I would ever be or becoming the person I never thought I could be.